What happened to cause the divorce?
After 18 years together and two children I discovered my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. Apparently we had "grown apart" according to her even though I had thought our relationship was OK. I was completely blindsided by the affair and at a loss at what to do about it. This was a women whom I had complete trust in and she was willing to toss that aside to romp around in a hotel room during her lunch break. We went to couples therapy for about six months following the revelation of her affair but just couldn't work things out. She was too busy blaming me and I was too angry about it. I told her to move out.
How did you personally cope with the divorce?
Knowing things were not going to improve I decided to cut her loose and never look back. This had to be a clean and sharp break with the only tie between us being the kids. There were no more conversations, emails, texts, nothing unless it involved kid activities. I repeated to myself over and over that the relationship was over and became thankful that I'm no longer in a relationship with someone who treated me like garbage. I deserved better and she can have the man who thought it was OK to pursue a married woman. Once I made that decision I told her to leave the house and that I didn't care where she went. I packed up all her stuff in boxes and set them in the garage. Took down all her photographs and emptied my house of her stuff. If the kids asked what I was doing, I'd only say that their mother had decided to move out and not live with us anymore. To this day they do not know of her affair and cheating ways.
What helped the most in getting over the relationship was writing about what I was feeling. I'd write and write and fill notebooks up with my emotions. It's quite therapeutic and sometimes funny to read it now 2 years later. If I felt sad, I'd write about it. If I was angry, I'd write about it. If I wanted to curse her out, I would write about it and let the pen and paper absorb my feelings. It was better than any therapy or talking to friends.
The other thing that helped was getting back on the horse and dating again. I met a wonderful woman who treats me with respect, loves my kids, understands the impact of infidelity, and is drop dead gorgeous. I didn't think I'd meet someone I could love as much as I loved my wife but I did and I am completely happy.
Lessons Learned
- The biggest lesson I learned is that no one should tolerate infidelity. It is disgusting and once trust in the relationship is destroyed it's impossible to get back. The best decision I made was to cut her loose. I knew it would result in joint custody of my kids but eventually they will be old enough to decide where they want to live and old enough to be on their own. I couldn't justify staying married to a woman who thinks it is OK to betray our marriage. I'd do anything for my kids and if they learn anything from this it is to respect themselves and not tolerate those who don't respect them.
What was your experience with legal process?
I had the best outcome available because I wasn't going to be pushed around by a legal system that is prejudiced against men. I held my ground and obtained joint custody with my residence being the primary residence. It's the best I could get in a system that favors women.
What was the outcome of the divorce proceeding?
I think I won because I get my kids 1\2 of the time, pay no child support, kept the house, and the bulk of my 401k. They tried for more but I held most of the cards due to her cheating ways.
How is it going now?
Great. I have a wonderful girlfriend, and I can raise the kids the way I want. The bond I have with my kids is stronger than ever and my ex is stuck in a relationship with a liar and cheat. As my girlfriend says "your wife was stupid to throw away such a good man". I love my new life.
