Brian had crossed the popularity line with this young lady. In many social settings, particularly among teens and pre-teens, the popularity line is a very real thing. Children this age tend to put themselves into cliques and classes, and it is not socially acceptable or easy to cross from one group to another. Sometimes these lines are very thin and imperceptible. In some schools and neighborhoods, the lines are very real and strongly enforced. Perhaps Brian was not aware, or the intensity of the crush made him not see where that line was. In any case, he and his dad had an important talk later that evening about popularity.
What We Know About Popularity
First, it is important to remember that popularity is far more important in school-age years than at any other time in life. Most of us have been to a high school reunion only to find that the most popular kids in our class may have failed in life and some of the "nerds" are now wildly successful. Popularity is not a good predictor of long term success, and fathers should not put an emphasis on the need for their kids to be popular.
In addition, research into human behavior suggests that what children need most is a few good friends, rather than to be part of an elite, popular group. We also have to remember that popularity is a fleeting thing. One can be part of the "in" group one minute and out the next for any number of reasons. The "in" group is usually not "intact" for long.
However, we also know that children who are outside the popular group long to be popular. It is sort of hard wired into teens and pre-teens, particularly.
What Can Fathers Do?
A study a few years ago by the Montessori schools linked personality traits to popularity. They asked children about what traits were common among the popular kids. The answers included things like being even tempered, avoiding conflict, being good listeners, being independent, playing with many friends and having good verbal skills.
So, one thing dads can do is to help their children develop good social skills so that they will fit in with any group. Focusing on things like manners, personal confidence, listening skills, and developing a good sense of humor will help children overcome many barriers to popularity.
Fathers can also help their kids engage in extracurricular activities. It sounds trite, but kids who interact with other kids outside of school tend to develop good social skills and expand their base of friends. Clubs, scouting, sports and dance are good programs that tend to group kids with common interests and help them learn to work and play together really can make a difference. In some settings like scouting or sports, a dad can play a big role in helping the program be successful. When my oldest son got into speech and debate in high school, I learned enough that I could be a judge at many of their meets. And when he went to the national high school debate competition, I was invited to be a judge there as well and we flew to the tournament together with the team and coaches.
Being a dad with good listening skills and then using them with your kids can also be a big help. Don't always try to solve their problems for them, though. And don't discount their feelings of being excluded or outside the popular group. Just listening and helping them express their feelings can be a big role for a dad to fill.
When they suggest an approach to solving their problem, help them work through alternatives and find answers. For example, a child might suggest that some wardrobe changes would be helpful to fitting in better. While you can't sacrifice modesty for fitting in, you might be able to work together to save money to buy a few items of the more commonly acceptable brands and styles, or perhaps to get contacts instead of eyeglasses.
Finding ways to teach good skills and connect children to others of similar interests often go a long ways toward helping them fit in better with their world and develop friendships and associations that will help them the rest of their lives.
