Mom was pretty philosophical about the whole event ("Nothing here that can't be fixed.") but it was a stark reality check for me. My mom and dad are in their seventies, and while still young by many standards, they are beginning to wear down.
As I pondered the need to be more involved in my parents' lives as they age, I found some very interesting statistics that apply to my generation.
- This is the first time in history that American couples have had more parents than children.
- Today, the average American woman can expect to spend 18 years caring for an older family member, compared to 17 for her children.
- Almost 40% of all U.S. workers are more involved with caring for a parent than a child.
So, what is a man to do when he confronts the reality of his parents aging and potentially needing greater focus and attention in his life?
As I have researched and talked to others, the critical factor seems to be learning about your parents' needs and wishes, and communicating effectively before a crisis arrives. It is helpful to categorize these needs and wishes into several areas:
Personal Goals. How do your parents feel about being independent? What is important to them at this stage of their lives? Do they have goals or dreams that they haven't yet reached? How important is location to them-close to friends versus close to family? Are there health concerns that might dictate location?
Housing Issues. How important is it that mom and dad stay in their home? What choices would they make if they can no longer stay at home? What about living with a family member? What about a retirement community or assisted living facility? What is important to them?
Trust Issues. As parents age, there will likely come a time when others have to step in to make decisions in their behalf. Are there children or relatives whom they trust, or perhaps whom they do not trust? Documents like living wills or power of attorney should be dealt with early and involve someone your parents trust.
Legal Issues. Speaking of documents, your aging parents should make sure their legal affairs are in order and understood by the family. A friend recently shared that when his father died, the family discovered that his parents' sizable estate had already been given to a favorite charity to spare the children a dispute over dividing assets. If those arrangements are being made or need to be made, now is the time.
Financial Issues. Spending some time understanding your parents' financial status is critical. Is their insurance up to date? What are their short-term and long-term financial needs and resources. If there is a mismatch, what should be done to resolve it?
Healthcare Issues. Which health care providers are used by your parents? What is the current state of their health? What is the prognosis? Does your parent have a living will or other health care directives in place? If not, should they?
