In an era when the normal, time honored boundaries between work time and family time are blurred, setting appropriate boundaries are even more important. When people with whom we work, including our bosses, can reach us 24/7 via Blackberry or smartphones, it is critical to set some limits for intrusion into our non-work time.
Learn to say no. Many fathers struggle with putting first things first and being able to say no to what is unimportant. But getting to the stage where your time and attention are truly focused on the most important things in life is easier said than done. But being able to say no to things that are less important than your other choices is an absolutely critical skill.
I am fortunate to count Dr. Stephen Covey and his wife Sandra as among my mentors. I watched Sandra in action as chairman of our local arts council, and absolutely admired her ability to graciously say no when it mattered. Stephen tells the story of once when Sandra received a call from someone in our community asking her to serve on a local project committee. Her response: "That is such a worthy project. It will make a huge impact in our community and I am flattered that you asked me to be involved. Unfortunately, I just can't make time right now to be involved, but I wish you all the best and am sure you will put together a group that will do amazing things in this area of such need. Thanks again for thinking of me. Goodbye."
Saying no in a gentle, gracious, and generous way is a skill every busy father needs to acquire. And I can tell you from first-hand experience, it is liberating to be able to say no to things that should not require our time and attention away from our families and our personal lives.
Find activities that work for your family. I recently did a radio interview where my host asked how a father can make time for exercise. That question led to a discussion about needing to find ways to do more than one thing at a time in order to better balance. A dad can take a fitness walk with a child or with his wife, have a great conversation, and be involved in two important activities at the same time. One of my mentors, former Secretary of Health and Human Services Mike Leavitt, was a master at this. He walked for an hour every day, and if you wanted to meet with him at that hour, you came with sweats and walking shoes and walked for your meeting. If the meeting wasn't conducive to a walk, then you set up a different time to meet.
If you have an after-hours work commitment (and I seem to have them frequently), when possible bring a family member with you. Recently, my wife and I had tickets to see the Beach Boys in concert. One of my colleagues at work came with his 13-year-old daughter and they were really cute as they danced together during the entire concert. He came because of a commitment, but enjoyed a memory he and his daughter will never forget.
Create transition rituals. One friend has a large tree in his front yard near the door. Each evening when he returns home from work, he touches the tree and figuratively transfers his work concerns and stresses onto a low tree branch before he enters the house. The next morning, he touches the tree again and picks them up as he leaves for work. That has worked for him for years keeping work "outside" his family's home. You might also consider listening to some jazz or other music in the car on the way home that will help you ease out of your work-mind and into your home-mind. Whatever it is, find a ritual that works for you.
Have a network away from work. If other than your family, your only friends are at work, balance will be more difficult. Make sure you have a network of friends that exist outside your employment. You might find friends through a neighborhood organization, through your kids' parents, at church, or through a sports team. My brother in law, who is a really good example of work-life balance, signs on to meetup.com and finds a network of people nearby who want to hike, play tennis or run. By getting a network broader than just work colleagues, you will be able to separate more from the world of employment and be a more rounded man and father.
Create some off-limits time. One friend I know sets Monday and Wednesday nights from 5:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. as work free zones. No calls are taken, no text messages or emails are read during these times; he is a dad and husband during those hours. He lets people at work know, lets his friends know, and lets his voice mail take the calls. Others set aside Sunday all day as a work free time. Some families make sure they set aside one night each week for a family night. Consider setting some hours that are sacred and committed to your family.
Take advantage of magic moments. One important boundary is to not let your work cause you to miss the most important and memorable moments of life. I recall so well in my youth the little Volkswagen bug that my father and I rebuilt from scratch. I didn't enjoy the project anywhere near as much as my dad did (in fact, to this day I take my cars into the shop for an oil change because I just don't want to mess with a car). But I loved those long nights in the garage rebuilding, restoring and sharing time with my dad. Each of us dads has times when we just have to be there. Making sure that work does not interfere with the magic "daddy moments" is a critical boundary.
Setting limits on aspects of your life that interfere with the things of most important is an important way fathers can better balance work and life. Be sure to never let yourself get caught in the thick of thin things and losing the things that matter most.
