Among the most poignant scenes among my favorite movies is a scene from Hook in which the father, played by Robin Williams, makes and breaks a promise to his son. Williams plays a self-absorbed corporate raider who puts his children a distant second to his work. When his son tells him that his little league baseball game is tomorrow, his father tells him he will be there. "My word is my bond," says Williams' character. Then the scene shifts to the baseball field where the son is up to bat and looks up in the stands for his dad. Instead, he sees one of his father's corporate underlings with a video camera.
While there is eventually a happy ending to this movie, not all such family experiences are happy. Making a commitment that you don't keep is the polar opposite of walking the talk. But fathers also fail to walk the talk when they live a life different from the one they expect of their children. This sort of relationship dishonesty happens when a father expects his daughter to attend Sunday School when he sleeps in or stays home to watch football. Or perhaps a dad demands that his son mow the lawn and weed the garden when the dad's big Saturday activity is playing video games. Any time a man lives his life in a way that conflicts with what he teaches his children, his personal integrity is in question.
So, how can a father exercise the personal discipline necessary to walk the talk with his children?
Model the behavior you expect of your children. In the example I listed earlier, go to church with the kids and spend time in the garden or the yard, too. If you expect total honesty from your children, make sure you are totally honest with them. Set the example and they will follow.
Help your children get what they want. Find out what is important to your children and help them achieve it. If your teenage son wants a car, help him think through the process for earning money and purchasing a car. Then help him find the job, set up the savings account and be supportive of his efforts. The honesty associated with learning what your kids want and helping them get there will help them develop trust in you and your actions.
Limit extravagance and time wasting. Helping children figure out how life works and that values are important is a critical role for a father. Be careful about where and how you invest your time and resources. When you walk the talk with your money and your time, you teach personal discipline and appropriate self-restraint.
Never, ever cheat. Don't cheat in a game. Don't sneak past the red light when no one is looking. Don't try to take advantage of someone else. If you are deceitful or dishonest with others, your children will learn that this is appropriate behavior.
Treat all with respect. If you insist on respect from your children, you must treat them respectfully. Honor their privacy unless there is a huge reason not to. And regardless of whether you are married to their mother or not, treat her respectfully and talk about her with respect. In the long run, your children will respect you more if you show respect consistently to others.
Balance family and work. If you want your children to value home and family, make sure your priorities are similarly aligned. While a 24/7 commitment to work may make you popular with your boss, you will lose your connection with your children. If you want them home doing things with the family rather than off with friends in their free time, you have to come home and be home with them as much as you possibly can. And that may mean sacrificing the golf outing or tickets to the big game so you can make time for the kids.
Author Ralph Waldo Emerson spoke wisely when he said, "What you're doing speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying." Our words mean little when we don't back them up with our actions and our decisions. Walk the talk with your family and you will raise children of integrity and honor.
