From Wayne Parker,
Your Guide to Fatherhood.
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Is there a more challenging transition for a man than to become a new single dad with children at home? If there is, I can't imagine it. Whether you lose your spouse and the mother of your kids to death or because of a divorce and/or abandonment, adjusting to the new reality of things is a major and life changing task.

Most newly single dads I know struggle to know where to start. What should be first on my list, and how do I even begin tor get my arms around the rest? Having talked to a number of single dads who have successfully negotiated this transition with their children, let me offer the following recommendations.

Helping the Kids

As adults, we have at least learned some coping mechanisms in our life to deal with change. Often, our children are totally unprepared for having a single dad as their primary caregiver. So as you help your children adjust, consider the following suggestions.

Talk a lot. Many children will open up and want to talk to dad or others about what has happened. Others will clam up or get busy being supportive to suppress their feelings. Your job is to keep them talking and to be a good listener. Encourage them to talk with you—if not with you, create a situation where they can talk to a trusted adult. Sometimes relatives, clergy, adult friends or therapists can help if they won't talk with you. But it is important to help them deal with their feelings and frustrations. Of particular importance is helping them see that the loss of their mother is not their fault.

Show confidence. Children need to see that their dad is confident and optimistic about the future. Let them know that you are OK and that with time, your family will reach a new level of comfort and routine. Your attitude will make a huge difference in how they feel and cope now and later.

Make and keep promises. For whatever reason their mom is no longer at home, your children's trust is likely shaken. Whether mom betrayed them by leaving or whether she died, they will not be very trusting, and, in their mind, for good reason. The best way to build trust with the children is to make and keep promises. Do what you say you will do, and don't make a promise you are not committed to keep. Consistency and honesty will help them find the courage to trust again.