Every father starts out wanting to create an environment at home that is happy and healthy, physically and psychologically. And for many of us, we are able with a little luck and a lot of work to maintain that kind of home environment.
But in some cases, the stresses that happen at home can get out of control and begin to negatively impact the environment at home. And there is nothing that causes that environmental foundation to shake in the life of a child like stresses between parents.
Certainly in every family there are times when mom and dad don't get along. Some of my hardest childhood memories were when my mom and dad had those occasional loud disagreements that ended with shouting, tears and slammed doors. And I cringe when think about times that I caused that kind of stress in the lives of my children by acting angrily or irresponsibly.
The occasional exchange of heated comments over things like finances, relationships, or time commitments are to be expected in most families. But when those become routine, or there isn't regular apologizing and making up, children can sense the stress and react to it. So when things are not going well between dad and mom, what can a parent do to relieve the stress and anxiety in their children?
How to Tell When It's Too Much
Children whose parents are having stress in their relationships can feel the impact, and often take it very personally. Fathers and mothers should be aware of the evidences of stress in the lives of their children, and recognize when their lives are affected by what is happening at home.Depression and Withdrawal. Children often react to stress by pulling back into their own worlds. They may spend a lot more time in their rooms or drifting away into the world of video games or computers. Smaller children will sometimes find a closet to hide in or a couch to hide behind. Signs of depression or withdrawal are symptoms of stress.
Aggression. Often, children will react to a negative environment by acting out negatively. Particularly if the behavior of mom and dad is aggressive (loud, angry, name-calling, demeaning), then a child may mirror that behavior as a way to cope.
Taking Sides. If mom and dad have a running disagreement or repeated arguments, children will often side with one or the other in an effort to find their place. In such situations, neutrality often feels more dangerous than risking rejection by only one parent.
Crossover Issues. Sometimes children will react to stress at home by having issues in other settings like school, friendships, or church. Your children may seem fine at home, but may be acting out in other circles. Watch their behavior and acknowledge when you get feedback from teachers, the parents of their friends or others.
Physical Symptoms. Stress can also manifest itself in symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, and nightmares. With younger children, you may also notice regressive symptoms like bedwetting, thumb-sucking or hair twirling that you thought they outgrew a long time ago.
What To Do When the Stress is Evident
If you have seen some of the signs of stress in your child's life and it is due to relationship problems between mom and dad, you have to act to address that stress. Here are some specific ideas to consider in working through these issues.Encourage Communication. Take your child aside one-on-one and encourage him or her to talk. Listen quietly without becoming defensive. As children open up, some of what they say may sting a little, but don't react badly. Just listen for understanding. Ask open ended questions like, “How does it make you feel when...?”
Validate their Feelings. Even if you don't agree with their reasoning or with their conclusions, validate and accept how they feel. For them, the feelings are real whether you think they are justified or not. Some simple comments like, “That must be really hard for you.” will go a long way toward opening that communication and keeping it open.
Don't Try to Win Their Favor. No matter how you are feeling about your partner right now, trying to get your children on one side or the other of your relationship issues is a terrible idea. Remember, you are the parent and they are the children. Don't get them involved in adult issues. Reassure them that they are loved, that you are trying to work through what is causing stress and that you will do what you can to restore peace.
Keep Your Word. In a time of uncertainty, it is important for your children to know that some things are constant. If you give your word about something, make sure you keep it. Making and keeping promises is an important way to help children feel trust and security.
Solve the Underlying Issues. If you and your partner are struggling through an issue (one or more), the best thing you can do is address the issue. Consider talking together with a counselor, therapist or religious leader. Sometimes having a neutral third party helping facilitating communication can help get the issues out. And be patient; sometimes we want to fix things in a day that were caused over months or years.
When I was growing up, an adage I remember was, “If mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.” It is even more true that when mom and dad aren't happy together, the entire family suffers. By taking steps to recognize stress as it happens and by addressing the issues that are causing problems for the family, you can restore some level of peace and harmony at home. It is a sacrifice worth making for the health and well-being of your family.
