While many fathers don't want to even think about the possibility of not being there for their children, sometimes the unthinkable happens. Failing to plan for your children by choosing a guardian for your children if you and their mother die or become incapacitated will create all kinds of issues if that happens, and your children may experience much more than grief. But choosing a guardian for your children requires careful thought. Consider these steps in choosing a guardian for your children.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Several hours
Here's How:
- Prepare your will and estate plan. Before you begin to consider who should be your children's guardian, you should make sure that your financial affairs are in order. Having a will and/or an estate plan is an important component for your long range planning, and the financial piece of providing for your children in case of your death or disability is a critical consideration in choosing a guardian. You want to know what resources will be available to a guardian when they take physical and legal custody of the children.
- Make a list of potential guardians. In choosing a guardian for your children, think carefully about your friends, family members, and others who you might consider a potential guardians. Put them all down on paper and then, as you develop your criteria, you can rank them according to how close they meet those criteria. For now, put the list aside.
- Consider what kind of stability a guardian needs to provide. Whomever you choose as a guardian needs to be stable. They should be able to provide for your children, with whatever help the estate can provide, so having a guardian that is not highly in debt would be a good idea. If you are thinking about a married couple, their marriage should be solid and stable. Choosing a guardian couple and putting your children in the midst of a messy divorce later on would be a real disservice to the kids. Obviously, emotional stability is important to any potential guardian.
- Consider parenting style. You will want your children to be in a home where the parents have similar parenting styles to your own. If you tend to be a little laid back as a parent, choosing a guardian and having your children assimilate into a home where rules are rigidly enforced would be a problem for them.
- Consider family compatibility. Parenting style is important, but so is the ability of your children to get along with their potential guardians and their own children. Moving into a new family situation will be hard enough for your kids; the transition into a family where they clash with the other children, or where there are big age differences or cultural differences make it all the harder.
- Consider values, beliefs and religion. Speaking of family culture, sometimes core religious practices, beliefs and values can be a source of conflict. So you have to be careful about these issues. Also, if you feel strongly about having your children raised with an emphasis on a given belief system or religion, you need to make sure that your chosen guardian can provide that in their home.
- Consider physical location. Particularly as the children reach their later elementary, middle school and high school years, much of their personal identity is wrapped up in their friends and teachers. Choosing a guardian who lives far away from your current location will add more stress to the kids' lives and potentially remove them from an important support system during their grieving process. Try to find a guardian who can live close by and keep your kids in familiar surroundings.
- Consider the age and health of a possible guardian. You will not want to select a guardian who is too old to raise your children, or who is in poor health and for whom the children would be a burden. Choosing a guardian who is somewhat close to your age is often best, although younger and healthier grandparents, aunts or uncles can often provide long term care and rearing of your children.
- Evaluate your options. Based on these criteria, now evaluate each of your possible guardians. Score them 1 to 10 based on the criteria and then add up the scores. You can even weight the criteria based on which ones are most important to you. Then see how comfortable you feel with your top choice. Make a decision carefully.
- Create a document. Many family law attorney friends of mine have recommended that you prepare a letter or a memorandum from you to the guardian listing your concerns and desires. Be as specific as you can as to your hopes, dreams and expectations.
- Visit with your first choice guardian. Bringing your document with you, along with information about the kind of financial support your estate may have, schedule a visit with your number one choice. Sit down with them and tell them you would like them to consider being named guardian for your children should you die or be disabled. Walk through your memorandum and share your financial information. This will likely come as a surprise to the people you are talking with, so give them some time to talk together and make a decision whether or not to accept.
- Document your choice. Once you have agreement with the potential guardian, include information about the guardians in your will and estate documents. Make sure that their contact information is always correct and current. Put the memorandum or letter in the dame file, and provide a copy of all the documentation to your chosen guardian.
Tips:
- Make sure you and your children's mother are in agreement. If you are still married to Mom, do this project together. If not, make sure both of your agree on the guardian. Reaching a joint decision, even if you have legal custody, will make a later challenge less likely.
- Consider separating the custody from financial management. There have been many cases when guardians have taken financial resources from an estate and used them in a way that does not benefit your children. You may want to have the estate provide a monthly allowance to the guardians of your children as long as they have legal custody to ensure that the guardians don't have their hands on the cash all at once.
- Take the wishes of your children into consideration. If the kids are mature enough, you can discuss the matter with them and ask for their input. Their wishes should not be the determining factor, but their desire should be considered.
