As I was visiting with my friend Steve recently, he shared the story of his three year old daughter Sariah and a recent tantrum at the store. Sariah wanted a package of cookies on display near the checkout stand, and Steve didn’t let her load them into the cart. She then pitched what Steve called the “mother of all fits,” crying, hitting, screaming, kicking and generally creating a ruckus. Nothing he did or could think of made any difference at all as Steve left with Sariah while her mother checked out of the store.
Fortunately, the tantrum stopped as he reached their car, probably, as Steve suggested, because “Sariah was out of the store and knew that the cookies would not be coming home, no matter what she said or did.” He wondered if he handled it right, or if there were things he could have done better.
Any father who has lived through the challenge of moody little toddlers knows that dealing with tantrums is a very frustrating experience.
Not only do we not want our kids to be so angry and frustrated, but we also often find ourselves embarrassed by how our kids behave and we feel judged by others who are subjected to the tantrum.
Why Tantrums Happen
Tantrums often start in a toddler because they are frustrated and don’t yet have the language skills to express frustration in a more acceptable manner. Toddlers understand a lot more than they can articulate, and when they can’t effectively tell us what they want and why, the frustration just bubbles out of them. They also throw tantrums when things don’t go their way, just like we do when a car repair won’t seem to work or we bust a knuckle when using a wrench. We have just learned better and more acceptable ways to express our frustration.
In addition, toddlers who are having a tantrum may be having some physical challenges. They might be tired, overstimulated or having a blood sugar low or high. Adding frustration to a physical challenge that already puts them on edge can result in a full-blown tantrum like Sariah experienced.
Finally, if a child has learned that you can’t handle the social pressure and give in when he or she throws a tantrum, they can figure out that a tantrum can manipulate you into compliance with his or her wishes.
Preventing Tantrums
There are a number of good strategies for preventing the tantrum before it starts.
Avoid situations where the child is likely to be angry. If a child is over-tired, go shopping after her nap. If you are at the store, choose a checkout line where there is nothing a child wants. Distract your child with something - maybe a song or a story - when you think there might be a risk.
Don’t ignore the child all day. Children need attention, and they will figure out how to get it, one way or another. So have a little fun - read a story, play at the dollhouse, or go swing on the swings. When a child feels loved and attended to, they are less likely to seek attention in negative ways.
Give your child some choices. Toddlers are moving from the total dependence of the baby years into a time when they are trying to exercise control. Giving children choices can help them feel more in control without expressing frustration in damaging ways. So let them choose a book or a toy to take with them on errands, or let them choose a snack to have later.
Dealing With Tantrums
If despite your best efforts, a tantrum still happens, there are some helpful tips in handling them.
Stay calm as the dad. It is critical that we maintain our calm and collected adult state when our kids are having a tantrum. Our calmness will help calm the child, or at least not make matters worse if we react angrily. Be less concerned about what others think than you are about helping your child calm down and learn to react in more acceptable ways the next time.
Ignore the behavior when possible. It is important that your toddler knows that you cannot be manipulated by tantrums. If you can, simply ignore the outburst. The child will eventually calm down and you can talk rationally about the experience.
Divert their attention. Keep a few things in the diaper bag or backpack that you use in these special circumstances. A favorite toy or a book or a snack will often shift their focus away from the anger of the moment and get them to calm a little. This is not always an effective strategy, but it is worth a try.
Protect the child and others from harm. In Steve’s case, the tantrum was being thrown in the seat of a shopping cart, and his daughter was screaming, kicking and flailing. Just ignoring the situation might have resulted in her getting hurt or hurting someone else. So, removing her from the situation was the right thing. He just held her firmly next to him while he carried her out of the store, speaking calmly to her. This is a very effective approach when danger might be imminent.
Give them space with a time-out. Our general rule of thumb was that we gave our kids a 3-5 minute time out where they sat alone and unstimulated until they calmed down. Sitting a child down with us under a shade tree outside of a store until the tantrum stops was a frequent strategy with our children. A little time and space go a long way to making it better and helping it end sooner.
A few simple strategies can help prevent tantrums and make the situation better if and when the tantrum occurs. Fathers can make a big difference in how the entire situation goes if they are prepared, stay calm, and react appropriately. Kids will learn coping skills, and dads will have a less frustrating experience as a responsible, adult parent.