Commands like the word "no" are harsh and build resistance in children. It is easier for children to hear how to do something correctly rather than to hear what they are doing wrong. More often than not, when given respectful information, children comply with social guidelines rather than resist them. Our language helps to mold a child's thoughts. "No" is a negative word and implies wrongdoing. It is also used to deny, refuse, or disagree. "No" is not meant to be flexible or compromising. You may have heard a popular saying, "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" This kind of language molds controlling and negative thoughts, which can be damaging to children. Every time you want to say no to a child, ask yourself what is not okay about the behavior. Then replace the word "no" with the word "not," and add a phrase that describes what behavior you want stopped. This will give the child more information about the behaviors you want them to change. Use the four categories below for guidelines on behavior that is not okay.

Safety: When a child's behavior is not safe, you need to take immediate action to stop the behavior. At this point, there is no negotiating. For example, it is not okay to:

• open the doors without an adult present
• go outside without an adult
• use a knife or scissors without an adult
• climb or stand on furniture or counter tops
• play on stairs or in the bathroom
• play with water, without an adult
• walk around while eating or drinking

Health: When a child makes choices that are not healthy, then it is not okay to allow the behavior. For example,

• Junk food is not okay because it builds weak bodies
• Insufficient sleep is not okay because it invites illness and accidents
• Refusing to take medicine is not okay because it can make you more sick

Respect for People's Rights: When a child's behavior doesn't respect another person's rights to honor, dignity, health, safety, or social integration, then their turn is finished, meaning that the behavior needs to stop immediately, with no options for choices or negotiation. Not respecting someone's rights is not friendly. It is also not friendly to:

• scream indoors
• help yourself when someone is having a turn
• hit someone

Proper Use of Objects: When a child uses an object in a way other than what it is intended to be used, then again, their turn is finished. But instead of saying "no," you can use a "not" phrase. For example:

• Not for touching, hitting, throwing, eating, etc. Say this when children are using objects in a way they are not intended to be used. "A shoe is not for hitting." "A truck is not for throwing." "A crayon is not for eating."
• Not a toy. Use this phrase when children are touching objects that are not designed to be played with, such as a TV or a stove. "A TV is not a toy." "A stove is not a game." You can follow this request with the next phrase: "Please do not help yourself."
• Not a help yourself. Rely on this phrase when children are reaching for something you don't want them to have. This phrase is especially useful when the object is something adults aren't to touch either. By saying, "We can't help ourselves," the child knows that you won't be touching it either. This will show them that you are using self-control also.
• Not okay. Use this phrase in front of an action the child is currently doing, such as climbing the sofa or drawing on the wall. "It's not okay to climb on the sofa." "It's not okay to draw on the wall." You could also use the "not for" phrase, saying, "Sofas are not for climbing."

These verbal social guidelines are influential, strong and effective. They have the ability to teach children without using power or control over them.