So from his advice I tried to end it last year for the first time but I couldn't because I was holding on to that little bit of hope that he really loves us but doesn't know how to show it.
I don't want him to take any credit for us being educated and good Christian kids and I don't want him to show us off; show us to his heart! I love him so much and it is strange how all these years I managed without him but now that I know him I don't want to lose him. I have wanted a father my whole life and I know that I do have one that has always been there for me up in heaven, but it's hard for me. Everyday I get my hopes up that he will call me but I end up being disappointed and it makes me feel worse. I said to him the first day we met him that I "didn't want to grow up the rest of my life not knowing my father" and he cried when he heard this. I have made him cry a couple of times, which shows that he does have feelings, but then he hides behind his lies and doesn't want to admit his wrong doings.
There are times when I think about him and get really angry from all the stuff that has happened then I get upset. Then there are times when my love for him overcomes me and I just want to be with him. I have cried myself to sleep countless times praying to the Lord to help me. I pray that He will enlighten my dad and open his heart and soul to Him and to us. I pray for a miracle that my father and mother will get back together because my mum still loves him and always has. Sometimes I feel that I ask too much of the Lord and that I'm selfish because I should be grateful for what I have. However I really want to help my dad. I miss him so much and after waiting so many years for him I don't want to lose him, there is such a big hole in my heart, I love him dearly.
