Don’t panic immediately. Recognize that a child with a crush is a pretty normal thing—a part of growing up and learning to deal with this new hormonal surge. Expect there to be a little uncertainty as your child enters the realm of adolescence.
Be worried about big age differences. If there is a serious crush involving an adult, be cautious. Sure, didn’t we all fantasize about a young teacher or a friend’s older sister? But if the crush seems to be getting serious or is reciprocated in any way, this is a danger sign and it’s time to intervene.
Beware of going one on one too young. As your child reaches the conclusion to act on a crush, or as they begin to be an object of a crush, understand the dangers in pairing off too early. Some parents, especially some moms, think it’s cute when pre teen or early teen children have dates or begin dating exclusively. Study after study shows that early dating leads to early sexual activity. Waiting to pair off until age 16 or older tends to slow down the rush to sex. So encourage your children to be involved in group social interaction. Even consider hosting some mixed gender activities at your home or under your sponsorship. And make sure these are supervised by responsible adults.
Watch for the signs. In our case, our oldest son’s first sign of a crush was a “sign.” It was on the back of his bedroom door and it said, “I love R.G.” I suspect that he secretly hoped his mom or I would see it even though he acted surprised that we discovered his secret. But it led to some interesting and meaningful conversations. Other signs might include seeing a certain name being doodled over and over on school papers or folders, or seeing hearts appear in strange places like on bedroom mirrors or under pillows.
Another sign that may prompt concern can come from monitoring your teens email, chat room and instant messaging communications. If you are not either filtering access or having some monitoring on chat or IM activity, you need to do so.
Keep communication flowing. The most important thing a dad can do with his adolescent child is keep the lines of communication open. And not just about the opposite sex, but about everything that is important to them. School, friends, siblings, church and other areas of interest will be important as well. And if you have established a communicative relationship in other areas, talking about young love will be a natural extension. A couple of useful tools for encouraging communication are:
- Give them openings. Look for opportunities to bring up issues in a natural way. For example, watching a movie together like “While You Were Sleeping” or “Sleepless in Seattle” can allow some conversation about crushes. (I know they are “chick flicks” but living through the movie can prompt a discussion). Some popular television shows like “Everwood” or “Seventh Heaven” can lead to similar discussions.
- “Some kids.” Many parents have found success in initiating a difficult conversation by using the “some kids” approach. Start a comment with the phrase “some kids” and see if your child responds. For example, “Some kids worry about being rejected if they let on that they like someone.” This can be a good conversation starter.
- Actively Listen. When a child raises an issue or concern, use the active listening technique. Active listening involves listening for meaning, not just for content. Utah State University offers an excellent quick guide to active listening that will serve any parent well.
Conclusion
Dealing with crushes and the first signs of teen love can be a little traumatic for a father. Dads who deal successfully with these issues do a lot of listening, watch for signs, and find ways to give gentle reminders about proper ways for their teens and pre-teens to handle these new feelings that come with adolescence.
