Be flexible
Even though the agreement mediated by the courts may give you visitation every-other weekend and every-other holiday, there's no reason you and your former spouse can't vary that arrangement by mutual agreement among all of you, kids included. There may be times when your kids are invited to a slumber party or they're going to a camp. Or, you can't get any other dates off work. Being ridged to spite your former spouse only hurts your kids.
Don't push
Accept the fact that your child(ren) are living in two separate households. Going from one home to the other causes children to feel the emotional equivalent to jet lag. Kids need time to get reacquainted not only with you, but with their surroundings. Avoid making it harder for them to adjust by imposing a radically different set of rules or value system, or by making them feel bad about the different system at their mother's. It's tough enough for kids to sort through and make personal sense of all the values and beliefs they are being taught. Your goal is to create as little confusion as possible. Be especially sensitive to entertainment, religion, holiday traditions, bedtime, curfew, and other behavioral rules. It's a delicate balance you're trying to achieve influencing rather than inflicting. You'll never go wrong if you're focused on the needs of your child.
Give them their space
Children feel more comfortable, at ease and connected when they know they have a place at each parent's home that is theirs. It can be a room, a chest, a dresser, a desk, a bookcase.... some place they can keep things that are theirs and know it will be waiting for them when they return. Put up posters that reflect some of your child's interests; furnish with mementos that have special meaning for both of you.
When they resist
There are many reasons why your child may resist visitation. They may not like the woman you're dating or are married to, or the new family you are living in. Some kids reach an age when friends, activities and other interests become important and they are no longer willing to devote as much time to you alone. You can't bribe, argue, or coerce your kids into spending time with you. You may have to wait until they can accept the changes in your life. Whatever their reasons, try to set aside your fears and insecurities. Be supportive, listening and accepting of their feelings. Make it clear that your door is always open, and there is always a place for your child in your heart and home. That's not to say it doesn't hurt when your child appears to be rejecting you, it does. But the hurt will pass and it doesn't mean you're losing your child. It's just part of the divorce you have to get through and move beyond. And you will. Remember that you're relationship with your child will last a lifetime. They will think differently next year and the years after. Your understanding now will pay off for both of you in the future.
You're still a dad
It's important for every divorced dad to remember that even though he is no longer a husband, he is still a father. Even though the warm, loving, intimate relationship with your former spouse is over, your children continue to need and crave a warm, loving, and involved dad in whom they can confide. Give yourself and your children the time, space, patience, unconditional love and acceptance you and they need.
