Affair Proofing Your Marriage

Eric was married with two children. Life at home was good. He considered his relationship with his wife to be healthy. They frequently spent time together and intimacy between the two of them was good. He never considered having an affair when he found himself face to face with a potentially compromising situation with a co-worker.

"Contrary to popular belief, most people do not set out to have an affair," said Dr. Shirley Glass, Infidelity Expert and author of the soon to be released book, Not "Just Friends." "Eric's situation is all too common. It is faulty thinking to believe that if you are attracted to someone else there must be something wrong at home. It is possible to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage. The single most important protector against an affair is appropriate boundaries. In a culture where men and women are working so closely you must make sure you are not creating opportunities for an affair to occur, especially at a time when you might be vulnerable - like right after a fight with your spouse. One of the most common doorways into an affair is where a man and woman who are 'just friends' innocently begin to discuss problems in their primary relationship. They are doing their marriage work with someone who might not be a friend to the marriage."

According to research, 25 percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. According to Dr. Glass, intimacy in marriage is defined by openness, honesty and self-disclosure. Anything that interferes with that creates walls of secrecy in a marriage and should be a signal that danger is looming. For example, if you meet the same person every morning for breakfast in a public place, but you don't tell your spouse that you are doing it, you are creating a wall of secrecy in your marriage. If you aren't comfortable talking with your spouse about what you are doing that should be a warning sign to you. Interestingly, only 10 percent of people who leave a marriage to pursue a relationship with their affair partner actually end up with them. Many say they wish the affair had never happened and they had worked on their marriage.

How can a couple guard against an affair?

• Establish clear boundaries.
  
• Stay connected to each other by keeping the lines of communication open. Instead of creating walls of secrecy, talk with your spouse. Eric came home to his wife and told her about what happened with his co-worker. They were able to talk openly about strategies for clearer boundaries. This made their relationship stronger.
  
• If you feel attracted to someone else never let them know it.
  
• Watch out for outside influences that encourage infidelity. For example, steer clear of an environment where other people are fooling around. Be on your guard at business socials where drinking and dancing happen and spouses aren't present.